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08:40am 22/01/2006
mood: reflective
Does anyone ever feel torn between what we want for our bodies and what we think is right in our minds?

To clarify- I'm a feminist. While I know eating disorders have nothing to do with the media, or other's images of us- in fact, they have nothing to do with eating at all (the eating disorder is just a symptom of something larger)- I feel bad for feeling like the only way I can feel good about myself is to conform to this one image of being thin, thin, thin (was that enough "feel"ing for you?)

My feminist ethics and what I want for my body are two completely different things. Maybe I think thin is beautiful, but I know that idea has been planted in my head by corporations whose job it is to make women want the unattainable so they keep consuming their product to achieve this unattainable image. Oh, and at the one point that I did attain this image, I was completely miserable- mostly I was miserable, because I thought being thin would make me happy, and I was more unhappy than I had been in a long time- so I felt bad for feeling bad. Which is horrible.

On the other hand, I am very pro-feeling good about yourself. After struggling with anorexia for a long time, I have gained almost all of the weight I lost back, but now feel very happy about my life and myself. I just think I'm a little bit heavy. I genuinely think I'd feel better about my body 15 pounds lighter. I'm not "overweight" technically, and never have been. But, no matter what put that idea in my head, I still think thin is beautiful.

I think my solution to this would have to be to remain positive about myself and my diet for as long as I live and my diet continues. To realize that there's more to life than being thinthinthin. In a way, being in control of your body and how you feel about yourself is very feminist.

Anyways, I'd sort of like to start a community of pro-happiness, anti-ED, pro-feminist dieters. If that sounds like an oxymoron- well, I define my life on my own terms and those things are not mutually exclusive. You CAN be happy AND diet, you can be a feminist AND want to be thin. How do I know this?

I am all these things.

Stay positive ladies. You don't want to wake up in fifty years and reflect on a lifetime of trying to grow smaller. Remember to love yourSELVES no matter what, and to figure out what will make you love your body in a healthy, rational way.

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02:00pm 04/05/2005

Join fixmymirror now! We are a new community for any eating disorder, and are in need of new members!
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12:17pm 11/04/2005
  i need to get this out
when i was younger i never thought it would be like this and it always confused me to at what point things got messed up but they did and ide really like to know if anyone out there knows what im going through at all where should i begain i will try and describe in detail everyday feelings wakeing up in the morning feeling alone and empty inside even know you have people surrounding you that love you it doesent feel that way it feels like you are th only one you can trust and then sometimes you cant even trust yourself and then to tell these people you dont trust them or when they try and care you cant feel it becuase your afraid of getting hurt and then it hurts them and hurts you even more the total distrust and discomfort feeling sorta creates a physical maybe even chemical problem with your stomach and eats away at it and everywhere you go from the time you wake up every thing you see reminds you of a horrible nightmare and the only thing that will make you feel better is slowly killing you anyways so you do it anyways so the pain will subside you cant get a job becuase your not fast enough for the crappy jobs and not mentally stable enough for the better job your brain and iq is deteriorating the thing that makes you feel good is makeing you look like shit on the outside and your life is slowly drifting away your mother and father and friends dont know what to do some of them worry some of them give you things other ones are easier on you then most people but you dont care becuase your so scared of getting hurt that your afraid if you do you might hang yourself and your worst fear in life is death people say your a good person that you should and do deserve life but you dont think you do the worst fights you have are with yourself and the best times you have are with drugs this is the way i feel and the best explination i have ever given anyone in to the way i feel this is not the only problem suicidal mother father who cheats on mother goes in and out of your life friends never stay im sure you guys think im selfish and are at this point mad that i dont use punctuation or busy with your own lives right now but im just hopeing just one person sees this one person whos going through the same thing and whos willing to talk to and go through this with me thats all i ask
03:37pm 26/01/2005
mood: blah
why do i feel so empty... so tired of living a life that was given to me by fate and by destiny. there are times that i wish my child's father didn't take the life that i'm supposed to be having (going on trips with my friends, staying out, studying with no limitations) its crazy. i feel like i wanna have that life back. a life with no restrictions. a life without a child, but i can't. it was my responsibility to face the consequences of having sex in the first place. i don't blame my child for being here on earth. in fact, i love her so much. but i feel like i'm holding back because i have to make sure that i spend ENOUGH time with my daughter. that i wouldn't NEGLECT her. and bfs... hmmm.. bfs another restriction that i sometimes don't even need. i wanna have more time for myself, and yet relationship has a way of pulling me back as well. the time, effor and money that i spend on my relationship is starting to wear me out. i don't know what i should do. i'm confused and lost. or maybe its just my energy that is killing me.
10:43pm 27/08/2004
mood: annoyed
im new to this community & wanted to say hi with a poem i wrote one nite before i was gonna try to commit suicide it was gonna be my suicide note i gave it my all, here it is

you keep asking me to smile
but you cannot see my pain
to wear it on my body tells
what words cannot explain.

with the only thing i trust
i write my pain
you see it on my body
you see so much pain

death beconds me with its claw
i reach to grab its hand
but the angles hold me back
tellnig me theres hope

i think if there was hope
then this would have never happend
if there is a god why did
he bless me with this gift
of pain?

you just dont understand
what its like to hated
what its like wishing
you were dead..

sitting alone in your
world of everything broken
crying your life out
screaming from the pain...

im the one that started
this addiction
im the one that will
end my pain.......

my suicide will end
what words could not
     Read 6 - Post
01:29pm 03/02/2004
  You are all invited to this new community...

Hope to see you there.
     Read 4 - Post
11:58pm 18/01/2003
  Hey fellow Ana's and Mia's!
Just reminding you all, if you have not yet joined my Ana/Mia Progress Pic community Xpose_ur_self , please do so! We would be tickled to have you as a member!
We currently have 43 members now! Would you like to make that 44?!?
We will be looking forward to seeing your progress pics!

Your Friendly Mod-
12:03am 14/01/2003
  Just watched Huger point for the first time....not too bad, kinda bland...boring..and generic. The girl in the movie confused me, she had BEAUTIFUL collar bones, and facial defnition....but, in one scene her legs looked fat. I dunno, maybe its just me. She triggered me sooo badly though. Uggh, i love it & hate it at the same damn time. I just thought id post some stuff, like more ED movies and books if anyone is interested! :) Got em from www.soulsinner.com! If you havent yet, PLEASE join my ED PROGRESS PIC COMMUNITY! Its called Xpose_Ur_Self !! Thanks girls!

ED Books:
* Wasted by Marya Hornbacher
* The Best Little Girl in the World is by Steven Levenkron
* My Sister's Bones by Cathi Hanauer * Am I Still Visible by Sandra H. Heater
* Eve's apple by Jonathan Rosen
* Ophelia Speaks by Sara Shandler
* Life-Size by Jenefer Shute
* Goodbye Paper Doll by Anne Snyder
* Second Star to the Right by Deborah Hautzig
* Kessa by Steven Levenkron
*A Body To Die For by Keisha Lett
* Body Lines by Elizabeth M. Rees
* Stick figures by Lori Gottlieb
* Little girls in pretty boxes by Joan Ryan
* Conversations With Anorexics by Hilde Bruch
* Starving For Attention by cherry Boone O'Neill
* My Body My Enemy by Claire Beeken
* Anorexic by Anna Paterson
* Life in the Fat Lane by Cherie Bennett
* Hunger point by Hunger point
* Good Enough...When Losing is Winning, and Thin Enough Can Never be Achieved by Cynthia N. Bitter

ED Movies:
* Hunger Point
* For the Love of Nancy
* The Best Little Girl in the World
* A Secret Between Friends
* The Karen Carpenter Story
* Changing Face of Beauty
* Little Girls in Pretty Boxes
* The Perfect Body
* Dying to be Thin.
01:26pm 15/12/2002
  hi. i am new here. my name is marina and i am 17 and i live in los angeles.
i have had a problem with self mutilation for 5 years now. i have learn to control it but sometimes i get urges when i freak out or something around me goes wrong.
like right now.
i just lost 2 friends of mine who were really close due to stupid fighting. one of them ment alot to me and he just hung up on me. i know these must sound so petie and stupid but he helped me alot. i am so sad. i hate myself so much right now for letting it get this bad. it is so out of my control and i cant save or help anything. he thinks our friendship was one sided and he doesnt get just how much i was in love with him.
there is nothing i can say or do to have him talk to me. i am so sad. and i know my happiness should depend on other people, (heh i learned that in the hospital) but he means so much to me. i want to slice my self up again and bleed this all out but i know that will just land me back in the hospital for a 3rd time.
i hate that these little things can affect me so much and hurt me so much and drive me to this.
being bi-polor is no fun. i cant keep my emotions down. they have to be overly exagerated and intenese. i cant just feel sadness but extreme sadness.
some please talk to me..
AIM= we are electro
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10:41pm 30/11/2002
mood: bouncy
I love you all. ;) Thanks for helping with everything Timmy, even though you didn't know you did. LoL aint that speshal? I wuvers you! -=hugz to all=- Cya

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09:24pm 29/11/2002
mood: happy
this is my new community my old on is webcam_whores you should join that too you don't need a webcam....lmao so yea this is for people with any problems too feel free o tell me or anyone you feel cool with